When you think you know it all ... Try again!

    You look at us and you don't understand us even though you were once us. We cut ourselves more than you think, we think about suicide more than you know, and labeling us angry is more convenient to you than it is an accurate assessment of who we are and why we do what we do. We have sex before we’re ready, we fight too often, we disrupt classrooms because we doubt our own intelligence, we make excuses more than we work hard, we’ll use your pity to our advantage, we abuse alcohol and drugs, and we’re falling behind at school. We put on shows of confidence and conviction, and you wonder how it is that we don’t make better decisions. We find ways to both disappoint you and inspire you, and just when you think we’ve outgrown bad habits or juvenile ways, we sneak in another mistake and make a decision that to anyone other than ourselves seems completely irrational.
    We’re a beautiful collection of ignorance and insight that confounds parents, psychologists, sociologists, and teachers alike...and what’s even more fascinating is that we confound ourselves even more than we do you. It’s not that we do any of what we do because of some master plan. It’s simply that from moment to moment, an emotion, a craving, or a need drives a particular behavior. We are the beautiful who feel ugly, the thin who feel fat, the bullies who are afraid, the intelligent who feel inadequate, the popular who feel alone, the black who feel too dark, the white who feel too pale, the defiant who feel powerless, the achievers who feel lost, the artistic who feel crazy, the promiscuous who feel unloved, the risky who feel overwhelmed, and we are the ones who smile and scream and laugh and yell...yet feel invisible. We wish these weren’t many of our truths, and we know you’d much rather read of our achievements and happiness…but we just can’t afford to have you kept in the dark anymore about how we’re hurting and what we need.
    We’re asking for more humility. We’re demanding more listening and less lecturing. We’re asking for more transparency and less pity, and we’re begging that you find thoughtful, empowering ways to hold us accountable for the damage we are causing to ourselves and to others. We ask that you try harder to make your efforts with us about us, and not your own needs to feel intelligent, wise, powerful, or in charge. We ask that you care less about avoiding looking foolish and more about role-modeling real confidence. Give us consequences if we earn them and don’t give in to our guilt provoking tactics. Your lower expectations of us are crushing our spirits and work ethic, and they’re keeping us from developing the fortitude we need to push through the inevitable hardships and challenges that come with being human. We need to feel your faith in us that we can push beyond our traumas, and we need you to partner with us more than you try to fix us. We’re asking that you help us cultivate grace, so that we no longer feel the urges to run from our feelings, or numb them with substances and activities that can diminish our futures.
    We need you to sit with us, and show us that we can learn to live with, and appreciate, all the countless emotions that give life texture. Help us look at our demons and scars, but do not allow us to spend so much time with them that we begin to use them as crutches and excuses. Make assumptions about why we do what we do to show us you are trying to see us. Tell us directly that you are making an assumption, but be sure to listen to us if we tell you that you are off target, and then get back to partnering with us to try to figure it all out.
    They say no two snowflakes are the same, and though there are and have been many “experts” who claim to have discovered “the roots of our behavior” and have made money off of “strategies, interventions, theories, and techniques” that claim to “fix us kids,” the reality of snowflakes remains the only undeniable truth. No two of us are the same, and as such, it’s going to come down to you, with your undeniably unique texture, having to find the way to partner with us, with our irrefutably distinct flavor. We know that you will make decisions and assertions that you feel are in our best interest, and some of these impositions we will learn from and embrace, while others we will reject and throw back in your face. Just know that your best chance at keeping us safe and yourselves sane is to be authentic, to admit that you don’t know anything for certain, and to try your best to not act from the fears that drive your closed minded, judgmental, reactive, and demanding ways...and when our imperfect storms settle and there’s a quiet moment, be as human, humble, and textured as you are, and show us what quiet presence and genuine care looks like by simply listening to us.
    So when, not if, we are frustrating you, confusing you, and breaking your hearts, please, above all else, don’t ever stop trying to be our heroes.
Written by:

Seth Rockman, LMSW, is a licensed social worker and has been working with at-risk youth and families for more than 16 years. He has worked in inner-city high schools, suspension centers, and intermediate schools, after-school programs, transitional residences, residential facilities, and emergency shelters. He has provided individual counseling, group counseling, crisis management, and case management services to youth ranging from age six months to 21 years old. He has supported and empowered every demographic

know why I'm here.

Wow. What a week! Its been a great week. Tons of progress, meeting new people, and challenging myself. Im in a school full time which has been a dream of mine for a long time. The staff is great. So many are so dedicated and really want to do anything to improve the life of their students. In conversation, I am able to see where the hearts of some of these teachers are. They inspire me to work harder for the kids they work so hard to teach. One thing that popped up to me today is life is so much about relationships. I pulled out one of the few quotes I have held onto from a legalistic preacher I heard summer after summer.... Rules without relationship equals reprobate. As stupid as it sounds I found that its very true. Before I ever try to work with a childs behaviors I go for the jugular, their friendship. I do silly to earn the trust of a child who has been hurt, beat up, stepped on and lied to. I go for a lot of BIG motions. Loud claps, extra extra praise and the classic touchdown arms signal. If that doesnt work... I bust out the secret handshake trick. I am running out of different styles, but it works. It all goes back to relationship. I got one of the biggest compliments from a co-worker this week who took the time to shadow me to start to better understand our job. As she was leaving she said, I get it, you are involved in every aspect of these kids life and it works. WOWZERS! So much fun too! Ive been blessed to be thrown into a school that accepted me. I hear Mr. Hoots, mr hoots, mr hoots and its makes it all worth it.

One last thing, try this. I was walking the lines looking to help the boys remember to tuck in shirts so they dont get in trouble. I hear "mr hoots! why didnt you play football this morning" before I could respond a girl who talks before she thinks (sound familiar?) says "because hes so GAAAY!" oooooo. all the kids in the immediate area.

Option 1. Call her out. Embarrass her in front of her classmates and ruin the opportunity to build a what??? relationship.

Option 2. Pawn her off on a teacher and move on with my day.

Option 3. I say. Come with me. We go to the back of the line and chat about my choices in life our my choices. I explain to her I am married, happily. I encourage her to find the a different "insult" because using the term "gay" is becoming less accepted in this world, which I am a fan of, incase you wondered. We begin to walk far behind the line and we chat about consequences that could come from calling any other adult in the building GAY. I can see she is regretting the joke already and I say. Its ok. next time you have got to make a better choice, and we knuck it up.

Later. I hear Mr Hoots. MR HOOOOTS. You da best! From that same girl who could have been trash talking me if I chose option 1 or 2. ah. relationships.

For me

This post is for me to process a day of ups and downs. I was on the phone while sitting next to my newest kid. I was on the phone saving the past while the future was dying for my attention next to me. It's tough to let go of investments. You put so much time and effort into ones you love and you see potential in and when it doesn't works it's always a tough pill to swallow. I kinda poured the afternoon because I felt like one slipped away from by his own choices. I got stopped by a friend who said... " I want you to know what your doing for so and so is gonna save his life" whoa. Kick me in the pouty lip. Here I am... Holding onto someone who can't even save themselves when the my next project sits in front of me. A teach later stopped me and said she has a girl she's worked with who needed to talk with someone. She said she wants her to speak with me... Because I'm real. And I will meet her on the level she's on. Whoa! I'm just in awe... I'm so so blessed to go to work and have the smallest of impacts on the world around me. Stop. Give. Love.

I can't understand

I was recently talking to a family member about some of the things we see as social workers. One of the dynamics I observe a lot of are relationships and how powerful some can be. I remember talking to a young girl who was abused by her father throughout her life. I was describing some of the charges against her father and his reaction. Much to my surprise she started crying even weeping. She said something I will never forget... "Eric no matter how bad he hurt me he will always be my dad"

It hit me like a truck. How can a bond be so strong after such injustice? How can love go so deep with out a real relationship? I continued to be amazed by the the power parents have over their children and how often that power can be abused and misused. To see a son who has been hurt and disappointed by his mom over and over continue to want to please her although she makes no attempt to help him. To see a daughter believe in every word her dad says even when it goes against what is right. To see a parent deny any wrong doing to the face of their flesh and blood even sending their children into police stations and court to further the abuse is just sad!

I'm not a parent but seeing the power of these relationships reminds me of what a huge responsibility it will be! Just remember... your kids watch your every move and trust you until you break it.

Final thought. I had a parent complain... "How can I have this kid (me) tell me how to parent when he has no kids, he's arrogant." Another parent said, "Eric have you ever seen super nanny? Your job reminds me of that because you help people learn how to be a family who have never learned" I guess my job can only be successful depending on what the family wants to gain from their experience. It sure is nice when we all work together! :)

Livin the dream.

acceptance.

Its kinda weird and human nature that we always look for acceptance from others.

This something I definitely see myself doing as a social worker. "Im thinking... lady, I am here to help you. I'm on your side. I support you. Dude, Im backing you up on this." Sometimes I feel like we put ourselves out there all day. We keep our phones on way past 40 hours. Our thoughts mostly revolve around the next technique we can use to get through to one of our kids. We attempt to sit quietly while people rip into us blaming us for all the things we have done to ruin their lives. And it bugs me... I dont know about you.

Now I have heard the whole, "Gotta get tougher skin" "Dont show your emotions" "Leave it at work" but honestly I dont want any of those things. I understand we get jaded in each one of our professions but I dont ever feel the pressure to give up. It's kinda weird because I am doing exactly what I always wanted to do and I dont want to waste a minute being jaded. Doesn't mean I dont get frustrated or upset with the ignorance and stupidity of people who only consider themselves especially when they have children who hang in the balance, but I still find myself putting my self out there and pleading with them to let me help, let others help, listen to family.

Moral of the blog. Don't give up, the next one might be the one who needs you.

society of stereotypes

drawing the line

"If you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life"

When it comes to clients and social work I have yet to learn where to draw the line between home life and "work". If I knew my family would be supported I would do this work for free. I have such a deep passion for people. I'd do anything for the people I work with and I believe they know that. I surrounded myself in Kankakee with clients and their families. I want them to know they can trust in someone after losing all trust in the world. I want them to know my phone is always on and they can always call. I want them to know that God made me to work with them and I plan to do it with all my heart.

I was talking to my mentor kid last night who I developed a very close relationship with. We were talking about good times we had over the years like brothers. It reminded me of the times I laid awake at night wondering if he was safe. I thought about how hurt I was for him when his mom died while he was in jail. I remembered the countless dollar bills and piles of change I gave him out of my pockets. I just remembered why I just love my job. Because of kids like this who I have been so lucky to meet and be a part of their lives that keeps me going.

Through all of this I want my beautiful significant other to know that I love her too. Granted she knew what she was getting when we married. An un-medicated ADHD social work with passions bigger than any budget. She cried with me when I was hurting for my clients. She was excited with me when we got guilty verdicts. She stuck by me when I almost went crazy after being unemployed for a month. I have the same undying love and passion for her....

A executive director once told me... "Someday you will realize you can't save the world"

Well I haven't realized it yet. and I won't! I am not dumb. I know some in the world do not want to change and if I focus on them then yes... I cannot save the world. But there are lost souls out there who need to see someone who really cares about them and I can think of 30 BSW students I graduated with a few years ago who care....

Start the movement. Give a little. Change a life.

shut my mouth.

I was told numerous times... wait no I'd say hundreds, if not millions of times in my life to shut my mouth. I remember my mom used to puff her cheeks out in church to tell me to shut my mouth, my dad just cleared his throat, my brothers punched me or got their friends to punch me, my teachers scolded me (but knew I couldnt help it), my friends just got used to it, and my poor wife... I dunno what she thinks....

I know I still annoy people with my big mouth but first I dont really care because I have matured a little bit and I try to be careful what I say. I know my mouth still gets me in trouble when I dont completely think something through. It also has helped a few people along the way. Right before leaving KC CASA my mouth fought for the two lives of victims of the justice system. My big mouth screaming and yelling got me very little respect in the office in which I yelled but got the victims their day in court. My mouth built some strong friendships and tore others down. I know my mouth was given to me for a reason... believe it or not. God created someone who couldn't shut his mouth to help fight for those who cannot speak. My big mouth kicks me in the butt sometimes and other times it has been used to help change a life with the help of a higher power to give me the words to say.

Don't waste your mouth/voice/passion/heart. Not everyone got a big mouth like me and others but you did get something to speak up for others. You might be the only voice someone ever hears, you might be the on the touch they can feel, and the only passion they can see.

Dont waste it.

perfect match

If you don't know the story of my beautiful goddaughter its on this blog somewhere...

Laura and I took JJ (goddaughter mother)on a date with us when we first started dating back in the day. I really wanted my life partner to have the same passions I did. JJ is one of those passions and Laura has seen why I love that girl so much. JJ starts ISU in two weeks and will be living in family housing with her beautiful daughter. She has family support but as far a money goes there is not much there... JJ was out of school for 2 months her junior year to have a baby and STILL graduated 13 in her class of over 500. Amazing! She deserves a fresh start at school and the opportunity to get a degree for herself and Serae. Laura and I want to see her do well and have made a comittment to help her get through the next few crucial monthsof being a freshman at college. And it truly has been great experience as a young couple! if you are interested in helping with groceries, books, furniture, anything... get me on here or fbook and we can chat! :)



livin the dream.

bringin home the bacon...

... is not something I do. As a social worker bringing home anything except a heavy heart is rare. Today at work a co worker was saying she makes more in mileage then she does in actual pay! I found it amusing because if I know mileage is available I am the first to volunteer to drive! :)

Seriously though, what do we as social workers bring home. I used to bring home a bad attitude about stupid people that liked to boss me around and accuse me of "wanting to save the world". I brought home free stuff donated by the local superstore. I should have left it there because if Wal-Mart doesn't want it... neither do you! I brought home stories, depressing news, and a lack of faith in society.

I guess its more important to ask what do I bring to my clients. Before I enjoyed just bringing a smile. A non-judgemental look. Good news about court. Now I get to bring toys, trips to Incredible Pizza (Laura doesn't like this place because she worked on a patient who got shot next door- fun sponge) I get to bring them on trips to see their parents! I get to bring my iphone 4... kids get pretty excited about the new racing game I downloaded! I bring a fresh face of hope and wishes!

Overall we can ALL bring something to work... It could be as simple as a smile!

What do you bring home from work? And what do you bring to it?

opportunities.

So I've jumped right into my new job working with kids in foster care. Today I was informed of the seat belt regulations and how much a kid needs to weigh before he/she can ride without a car seat... so needless to say I was cruising down the road with a booster in the back seat. As I drove I thought again how great my jobs have been to work with kids who need good role models. I had never had a booster seat in the back... normally I am handing out belts to saggy jeans, blaring music I don't necessarily enjoy, or trying to hide my pack of gum from the pack of wolves jammed in my car.

Today I felt a new sense of responsibility... a five year old. I thought about how amazed I was to be doing this job and how bad I felt for a five year old to be taken from his/her home. I thought of all the things I worry about as an adult don't even touch the surface of being taken from your parents, siblings, and home. Here I am. Raised by amazing parents, taught in great schools, and educated by loving teachers, friends, and co-workers. Now I have the opportunity to help him in his life. WOW.

We chatted about the weather. He named my car the Silver Sponge because if I keep it clean I could sell it for 100 45 60 9 thousand dollars. He told a co-worker, after burping in her face, that he heard that when a boy burps in a girls face that means he likes her. Then he said... see you Tuesday!

I love my job.

humbled.

Over the past several years I have had the honor to serve in Kankakee IL as a social worker, advocate, mentor, tutor and friend to many. My recent marriage to Laura E. Baldauff-Hoots lead me to Indianapolis. I had a job, then I didnt, so I went and found another than the first job wanted to talk about a job again. Needless to say I spent the last month unemployed and humbled.

Success in my life has been measured by clients, mentor kids, friends, and networking. If I judged success so far in Indianapolis by how I judged it in Kankakee County I would consider myself a failure! I finally realized why I needed a month off... I needed to see, again, that I cannot save lives, I cannot change paths, I cannot force my wishes on others. ONLY the individuals I work with can do make changes and I have the HONOR to help them with whatever they need through their healing process and battles!!

I sat on a lounge chair, couch, and golf cart for the last month and realized I needed to save myself... I was burnt to a crisp. Don't get me wrong... I am not complaining, but realizing how much of myself I put into my "work" aka life. The other SW peeps out there completely know what I am getting at, we are beautiful, strong, amazing, and caring people. We will never get the credit we are due for how much we care, BUT that doesn't bother us. We love what we do and the people whose lives we come in contact with are changed by what we do. I knew I had the privilege to help people, but forgot to help myself. My soul was broken, hurt, and more passionate than ever. My mind was tired, running, and fearful. My will to change the world was stronger than ever but my faith in the goodness (word?) of the world was non existent.

So the last month was a free break... something I would have never wanted but a high power knew I needed it! I start work on Monday and I am pumped. I am excited for the opportunity to work with children and develop more friendships in Indiana.


So I say all of this, to remind myself and the other people workers out there.... its ok to chill, its ok to take a break, but you better come back because we need you!

My white horse is in the stable....

... right where it belongs!

So I went to a sexual assault conference and they spent several sessions on giving tips how to engage men in the fight against violence against women. As a man who has joined the movement to fight against gender violence there is something that happens that bothers me. As a man... I do half the work and get twice the glory. I give a valiant speech and get so much praise. I stand around at events and find myself being acknowledged for just being a guy.. and being there! In this fight I refuse to stand on the sidelines but also refused to be acknowledged any more for just being a male. Yes its an honor to be involved but more than an honor its my duty. Its my passion. Its only right!! Any man who sits back and just watches as this movement walks by is one of the offenders himself! I was always taught... Silence is approval.. and since I DONT approve of rape I wont be sitting down. Since I DONT approve of sexual violence I wont be chillin' out saying "Im staying out of it" Since I DONT approve of oppression against women you wont find me thinking I am any more than anyone else! There is no phrase that is more true... "There is no doubt our society has some form of contempt and hatred for women and children. There is no way we could treat and condone the how women and children are treated in our society and not have some form of hatred for them."- Robert Jensen

Famous femanist Andrea Dwrokin said this.. "Men who want to support women in our struggle for freedom and justice should understand that it is not terrifically important to us that they learn to cry; it is important to us that they stop the crimes of violence against us."

So as I see this awful control and violence in our society it wont be my job to cry or be sad or walk in a pair of high heels and have some laughs. It will be my job fight. Fight the selfishness of sick, twisted, controlling men. My job to stand up against the oppression of women and stand up say something.

So if your man enough join the fight to be HUMAN. Its no longer about gender its about equality! And for the women who fight everyday for equality. I commend you. I stand with you. And support you. Someday it WILL end.

I love blogging.

it happened today.

Today was the day. The day I thought social work was the wrong choice for my life. I spent the morning in court with sick disgusting offenders. I spent lunch talking to junior highers about dealing with things way beyond their years. I spent the afternoon in court watching families torn apart by selfishness. I spent the early evening on the phone with upset mothers dealing with stuff they should never have to deal with. At about 9pm I went on a walk and tried to process the day. It didn't happen.

The worlds problems are to much. The scars, pain, and sickness goes way to deep. Its affecting me. It makes me angry, frustrated, and hurt. It breaks my heart, shocks me, and theres nothing I can do to change it. Hearing this crap over and over is affecting me negatively. It hurts friendships, relationships, and me. I dwell on it and have to let it go.

So today it happened. I realized that through all of my passions. My love. And my wanting to change the world it wont happen. All the old, burnt out social workers are right... "You will learn you cant save the world soon" I hate to admit it but they were right. I cant do it. Social work its the worst and the best. It hurts and rewards. Its strengthens you and makes you weak. So today it happened...and it broke my heart... So what should I do?? Keep kicking butt fools! This social worker isnt burnt out YET! The CHAMP is here!

Crossroads.

I sit in court on a daily basis and see hundreds of people who are charged with crimes anywhere from battery to murder, robbery to drug charges. It makes me think of the different crossroads in our lives. I was at a crossroad when I graduated... What to do with my life, where to go next... I look at these people who stand in front of the judge and take a plea agreement for 5 years in DOC and I cant help but wonder what these people are thinking, most have family members sitting in the back broken hearted. Most have done something stupid and regret it I am sure but so many are repeat offenders. They have a previous record have committed crimes while out on bond. I just look at them and wonder when they reach that crossroad what they do. Some head down the same path. They get out of jail the stand at the fork in the road.... They can be successful or find themselves back in court in just months or years. I guess I say all this to be so thankful for the guidance given to me at those crossroads. After high school I was pushed into college after college I was encouraged to get a job and be successful. I cant say thank you enough for the people who support me in all of my endeavors and I can honestly say I owe any success I have to the people who have supported and backed me.

So I say to those at the crossroads and making a huge decision.. you know the right way to go... just go... and never look back!

Celebrity...

Bush... lets face it... hes not the smartest guy in the world. He didnt surround himself with the brightest of advisers either. Its over on Tuesday and some will put their hope in another human who will let us down. Hes young, black... kinda, a celebrity, a leader, and the hope of the 'world'. I am not buying it. I have been watching this inauguration continuous coverage where they talk about the same thing for hours and hours. I find myself getting a little worried.. I feel as if our country is going to be extremely disappointed. Millions have put every ounce of trust into a young guy who speaks of change... he honestly hasnt changed much. He hasnt sat in his Senate seat in over two years. When he was in his seat he rarely if ever voted for anything significant. Obama is a celebrity. He is chummy with Hollywood and all of the crazies out there. He will keep his allegiance with Hollywood. So I say to our fickle country... I give it four years... We will be calling for his butt in four years and no one will care if he is black, green or hot pink. Republican or democrat it doesnt matter. He wont make good on his promises and we will soon be shocked to know we have been had but another politician. So Mr. Obama. Enjoy your celebrity status and stop comparing your self to Lincoln because Lincoln acted on his words and seeing how you havent even been in office one day you have lots of promises to live up to!

things I didnt learn in college...

I never learned that I would get snow days from a job!
I never learned the world was so cruel.
I never learned networking is so valuable.
I never learned some agencies cant get over stuff and get along.
I never learned you would get a Christmas bonus from a non-profit!
I never learned bills come so fast.
I never learned you would have to give up things you love.
I never learned how to contain your emotions while talking with clients.
I never learned to give up on someone.
I never learned that just because your young doesnt mean you cant change the world
I never learned to ever let someone tell me you can do that.
I never learned to give up. Strive to see every kid saved, every adult given hope, and every teen a chance!

Thank goodness for the stuff I didnt learn!

this is it.

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.
John Quincy Adams

what a great quote! I have always wanted to do this for everyone I have worked with but I would have never considered the feeling of wanted to see people better off as a leader. I consider it an advocate, a voice, and hope. What a huge respondsibilty to be able to inspire others. Not quite sure if I have done it, but I know I have found a quote that gives me something to shoot for! Thank you John Quincy Adams for inspiring me... you truly were a leader!

Hoots '09

In 2009...

Im gonna change the world.
Im gonna run the Chicago marathon
Im gonna live my life with passion.
Im gonna refuse to get burnout
Im gonna stay out of the blotter
Im gonna start a college fund for JJ
Im gonna start a group for teen boys.
Im gonna ride my bike to the end of the earth
Im gonna refuse to give up
Im gonna vote for mayor of kankakee
Im gonna watch my Illini go to the NCAA tourney
Im gonna gain weight in pure muscle
Im gonna go camping.
Im gonna make new friends
Im gonna shower those less fortunate than me with love and acceptance.
Im gonna live the dream.
Im gonna volunteer.
Im gonna leave this world better then I found it!

2009... Here I come!!